I found myself struggling to sleep the other night because my head was swirling with ideas, thoughts, fantasies. After a while I started to beg my brain to turn off and just let me get some sleep. But why? I had no immediate chores in the morning…it was the weekend, I could sleep in if I wanted to.
As I started to tell myself that I really need to work on tactics to help shut down at night, I began to also realize that this time I had to myself…the time when the lights were off, electronics were out of reach, and there was no one to talk to but myself – was precious. Maybe I should be working on creating more moments like this for myself throughout the day instead. These are the times I explore the vast chaos of my brain and get closer to realizing what excites me, what scares me, what makes my heart swell with anticipation. What would it be like to be a designer? I could live in a slightly sketchy part of Brooklyn but have an eclectic loft where I endlessly indulge in creative work. What if I owned my own bed and breakfast in a small lake town in the country one day? What kinds of fun events could we have? Bonnie could make her delicious scones for our guests!
There’s a good chance a lot of the crazy ideas I dream up while I’m supposed to be sleeping will never take shape in the real world. But I wonder when everyone else does this kind of thinking…are they still dreaming? I think there’s a chance that I fantasize more than some people, but I hope not by a lot. To me, dreaming (while awake) is everything. How can you do something if you’ve never imagined what it would be like – tried it on for size? Like when you’re hungry and trying to decide what to eat – don’t you sort of taste things in your mind to decide if it’s what you’re in the mood for? Or maybe I really am crazy.
But it’s not just about dreaming in the way you do when you make goals for yourself. I find when I lie awake I’m also able to re-examine relationships I have, replay moments from earlier in the day and try to think about the way other people experienced it. Like re-watching a DVR’d version of my day and putting bits and pieces in slow motion to more fully understand others’ perspectives and experiences. I laugh again to myself about a hilarious comment someone said, remember how delicious something tasted, how beautiful someone looked.
So on these somewhat sleepless nights, at least I know that my last thoughts were generally happy, thankful and aspirational. Now that the new year is starting and I’m finally getting back on the blog horse, I think one of my first resolutions will be to make believe more. To paint the world in my head exactly as I want it to be, as it could be, and as it was. And hopefully I can share a bit of that here.
PS – The photo above is from a cute Etsy shop called Fifi du Vie.